


Do I ever cross your mind?

by smaragdbird



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Ending, Episode: s05e18 Point of No Return, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-23
Updated: 2011-12-23
Packaged: 2017-10-27 22:36:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/300783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>First Castiel simply doesn't come back, later he does but not to Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do I ever cross your mind?

Castiel didn't come back. At first he didn't came back at all, which drove Dean crazy with worry because he had carved the sigil into Cas' chest and he knew what it did. But he wouldn't think about Castiel as dead until he had undeniable, unequivocal proof that Castiel was dead.

He created different scenarios for Castiel's return, thought about what he would say to him. An apology in any case but the longer Cas stayed away the surer Dean became that he would do something girlish as soon as he saw the angel again: hugging him, maybe or saying something embarrassing like 'I missed you!'

And then Castiel came back but not to Dean. Cas called Sam or came by when Dean wasn't around. Sam told him that Cas was doing fine, that he was   
searching for God again if only to punch him in the face.

It hurt a lot more than Dean wanted to admit that Cas would speak with Sam but not with him. He knew that he had hurt Cas, especially the stunt in the danger room had been a low blow but he just wanted to speak with Castiel once.

What did it say about you when even the angel who rebelled and died for you didn't want to see you anymore?

Once Dean had waited until Cas had called Sam and then grabbed the phone from Sam but before he had said more than 'Cas, damn it I'm-' Castiel had already hung up.

The looks Sam gave him after that were not unlike the looks he gave people who had their children ripped apart by supernatural creatures. Dean did not like to be at the receiving end of that look.

/////////

'Sam said you wanted to talk to me?' Dean nearly jumped out of his shoes. There had been a time before Lucifer had risen, where he had felt it when Castiel came or went away but now only flickers of it remained. He desperately missed that skill.

'Yeah.' Dean answered and looked at Cas. He had that cold, unmoving edge again that had made him look like a statue in the beginning after he had raised Dean from hell.

Castiel looked at him, frowning impatiently because Dean was wasting his time, which was so achingly familiar that Dean wanted to throw his arms around Cas if he hadn't been frozen to the spot. HIs muscles didn't obey him and the words wouldn't come. Underneath his panic he could hear the seconds ticking by until Castiel would vanish again, fed up with Dean's bullshit.

'Dean.' Castiel said impatiently, which fortunately snapped Dean out of his petrifaction.

'I'm sorry, Cas. I'm really sorry. All I was seeing was us running out of options and I didn't want you or Sam or Bobby going to hell. And Adam...he's family.' Dean was desperate to make Cas understand.

'Sam told me you killed Zachariah.'

'Yeah, I mean I stood in the warehouse and saw your weapon and I remembered what you said to me once: that we'll make it up as we go.' Dean looked down on his shoes and then back at Castiel: 'I didn't want to fail you.'

'You did not. You didn't say yes.' Castiel reminded him.

'Didn't stop you from ignoring me. I mean I get it. Sam has been a better friend for you lately. I guess I'm not so different from your angel's brother's after all.'

'Can you stop your self-flagellation for a second and listen to me?' Castiel asked: 'First I didn't come back because I was too hurt to fly and afterwards I came to Sam not because I was angry with you but because I was with myself for giving up on you so easily. Stop blaming Sam's or my decisions on yourself.'

'But you would have been right to-' Dean began.

'No, I wouldn't.' Castiel interrupted him.

'Are you going to stay?' Dean asked after a while.

Castiel stepped into Dean's personal space and it was definitely a sign of how much Dean had missed Cas when it felt right to him have him so close to him.

'Screw destiny.' Castiel said and kissed Dean. It felt like hope.


End file.
